When you see only the highlights of other’s lives most the time. It’s easy to feel like you’re missing out. Like you’re a step behind. Truth is we’re all just trying to figure it out. We’re trying to live our best lives in confusing times.

I’ve always found myself annoyed when people told me I was nice. I don’t know why, but internally I’d roll my eyes. I have heard this since I was little - from my family to teachers to friends. I think I felt weak when they said it. It was always their description of me.

I’ve always been passionate about mental health and have wanted to talk about OCD for a long time, but havent known what exactly to share. But last night, I felt convicted to speak up about it. I already shared a little bit in my stories about my struggles with OCD and the way that hollywood portrays it. For so long, I denied any diagnosis of this for my life. I didn’t believe that I fit the category because I wasn’t ever necessarily tidy and organized. But after years of dealing with anxiety and depression, I decided to seek help. That’s where I learned what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder actually was.

After seeking lots of counsel from mentors and experienced doctors, I came to conclusion that moving back to Texas would be the best choice for me. I was desperate enough to let go of all that I knew in order to get healthy and find my life again.

I went back to Branson yesterday. I drove down familiar roads and visited familiar faces. The years are growing farther and wider since calling this place home, but home it will always be. On my way out of town, I stopped by my old study spot to grab some coffee. I didn’t recognize a soul there. It felt like old times had faded and new faces had taken over. It was their home now.

Abstract.

Without Blemish.

Radiant. Codi. 

This is who I am. 

These are the hums that cling to my name.

You are not your sin. You are you, who might struggle with such sin. But it is not who you are or who you ever will be. You’re human. There is real struggle…real fights we have to fight in this broken, messy world. But God designed you beautifully. He designed you to be whoever you are - an artist, a writer, a teacher, a roofer, a mechanic. You are you.

God’s grace never runs out. It never runs dry. It’s not a riverbed that only flows after a day’s rain. It’s not a punch card that expires after so many uses. God’s grace is a never ending gift. It is something we can always return to. It’s something we can hold throughout the journey.

  Right before Thanksgiving, I decided to move back home to Dallas, Texas due to some financial issues. I wanted to go back to school, but couldn’t afford to cut any hours at work and live here on my own. The Lord quickly called me to go back home, so I followed.  I didn’t want to go, but it was (at the time) what I needed to do.  Once I got home, my family and I started thinking through my options. 

For some reason, words are extremely hard for me right now.  I can’t seem to get a single organized thought together long enough to sit down and write it all out for a blog.  So instead, I’m gonna just share a whole bunch of “life lately” things such as random thoughts in my head, things that have been going on, and words The Lord has been teaching me lately.

My greatest fear is being stuck in the mundane. I cringe at the thought of living a monotonous life. Isn’t there more out there in this world than to go day by day, eating, sleeping, working + repeating? I’ve found myself in the midst of living my deepest fear this week. It isn’t the working, resting + repeating itself that is horrible, it’s the lack of spontaneity in all this ordinary.

Elaine and I just got back from our Spring Break trip in Colorado!  We explored Denver, Boulder and Estes Park, as well as camped in Rocky Mountain National Park for the week.  Not even an hour after we first arrived in Denver, it began to snow!

 Our God does the impossible.  He turns our doubt into doing, our fear into faith, our weakness into strength.  Those thoughts that pop into your head, He turns them into prayers.  The Lord sees your greatest concerns, and cries out to you to trust Him, over your anxieties.  He knows His path for you, you don’t need to fret.

 Trust is a word that is used in every day language, but what does it mean to absolutely trust God with EVERYTHING.  We say this when talking about our faith and journey, but do we really mean it? I am seeing more clearly areas that I have not let go of and fully handed over to Him, letting Him take over.

Honesty and vulnerability is something I always want to carry out through this blog.  If I am not being real, what is the point of my writing?  Anyways, these past few months have been extremely hard for me. I have been in a "rut" spiritually, and have found myself the center of my life, rather that God.  It has been draining, and the worst part is that I knew why, but just didn't want to put the effort in to change it.

 All throughout my life, I have struggled with identity.  Wether it be seeking affirmation in school, boys, or some random person I thought was cool, I conformed to it.  Starting on the outskirts, I placed the more "accurate" me's on the outside, almost as bookends, to tie who I am now, wrapping up my identity.  I am a mixture of a lover of the outdoors, and lover of music and trend.  In the middle of the image, the me in all black and a rock covering the face, simbolizes the season of my life when I was hard.

     I have been so bad about updated my blog weekly, and I want to get better at it. I find it hard to make time to sit down and write out elaborate posts on my life and everything going on, so I think I am just going to make it simple.  We're all people of simplicity, right?  These are just a few things going on in my life, and things that I have been enjoying lately!

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense.

 Bolts, nuts, screws - these are all items that you look at and don't think much about.  They have no unique quality about them.  But tables or chairs, or even houses, are all things that can be unique and styled.  They all have their own twist to them, and are all noticed.  You don't look at a bolt and think to yourself "wow, I love that" or "dang, I want a screw like that," do you?

 Friends that go and try out probably really dumb ideas with you, and love them, are the kinds of friends you need in your life.  Elaine is one of those friends.  We have some of the greatest adventures together, and the funniest stories.  All summer, I talked to E about  turning my car into a camper van and that we were going to go on a road trip when I got it done.